Tuesday January 25th 2012 10:31pm
The next wave in trendy technology.
Tuesday October 25th 2011 8:15pm
We seriously need to rethink the name.
Tuesday May 25th 2010 12:41pm
Kenny Klein's Book Review of The Bible
In the beginning…
God said “Let there be light” and there was light, and plagiarism…
The Bible, or the version of the Bible that we’re so familiar with wasn’t necessarily written that long ago, and wasn’t widely printed until around the Renaissance. This often makes me wonder why a decent review of the book was never written. Shakespeare wrote many plays and tragedies around this time, and even then, the critics came out of the woodwork.
Let's ignore the idea that the Bible places earth at around the 4500 year old mark, and let us also ignore the thought of 100’s of millions of people world-wide taking it word for word as fact. Let's look at story here. As a huge fan of the age old art of storytelling, I believe a review of the “Greatest Story Ever Told” is long overdue.
The book has a great beginning; “First God made Heaven & Earth”. Apparently God was homeless up until this point in the first sentence. Then we skip straight ahead to the full evolution of modern Homo-Sapien or Adam and Eve as God calls them. Adam and Eve exist in a “perfect” garden where sex is not allowed. Let me say first off; if God threw me into a garden with a naked woman and told me not to think about or have sex and then told me this garden was “Perfect”, I’d tell him to start throwing me some flaws.
So Eve is convinced by Satan, disguised as a serpent to eat from the forbidden fruit which in turn soils her innocence. Eve then convinces Adam to do the same. I don’t know why the Bible has such a low opinion of women and snakes right from the beginning, but I’ll just move on as we have more pages of repeated content to cover.
So God rather unceremoniously kicks them out of the Garden of Eden, and breaks it to them that they will have to populate the world… Looks like there will be sex after all.
Lets ignore the allegorical nature of the Old Testament, which is basically a carbon copy of The Torah and skip right on to the New Testament and defining factor in Christianity. The New Testament both reflects and serves as a source for Christian theology, introducing Jesus Christ, as the son of God. Jesus is born of a virgin (Mary) in a barn, which really gives weight to that old rhetorical statement “were you born in a barn?” but his birth also sets up the plot for the entire New Testament.
Jesus is raised by Mary and soon finds out his role in the cosmos. After not nearly enough struggle or shock from this concept, we skip straight to Jesus at around age 30. Guess the puberty of the Son of God wasn’t “divine” enough to explain.
So Jesus walks around with 12 Disciples, teaching, and performing miracles, which is also a barrowed storyline from the story of Horus written around 3000BC and yes that BC means before Christ the protagonist of The New Testament of the Bible.
Jesus has daddy issues, and the story is rather predictable. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m totally down for a modern remake, or at least the the dark age’s version of a modern remake of the story of Horus, but can’t we spice it up a little and add some flaws to this Jesus character? All I’m saying is if we could throw at least
one Neanderthal into the mix we could at least jump on board with all the other ridiculous shit they’re asking us to believe. So God asks Jesus to be martyred, for reasons still unclear even if you believe the whole book hook line and sinker. Jesus accepts this challenge (hopefully reluctantly) and allows himself to be crucified. Then 3 days later he is resurrected and opens a can of whoopass somewhere in hell before ascending to Heaven to sit by his father’s side and Judge Mankind for all eternity. No plot twists, no comic relief aside from the water to wine thing, and the only sex that is really described is in Sodom and Gomorrah, which is kinda yuck.
This book is way too carelessly written to take at face value. I think people would be better off modeling their life after The Lord of The Rings series.
We didn’t come from primates, but every animal on earth did ride on the same boat at the same time.
Tuesday May 18th 2010 11:22am
Kenny Klein's Stories
Rain in Los Angeles.
It is a rainy day today in Los Angeles. You would think the sky is falling by the way our Los Angeles drivers behave on the road. The local newscast doesn’t help the situation with their overly dramatic vocabulary. “Storm-Watch 2010!” is just a little melodramatic for some light drizzling.
Typically the weather doesn’t merit a blog, but I have made an exception in this case due to an interesting phone call I received from the local police department warning me of possible flooding. Is this really necessary in Los Angeles? I see it is a huge slap in the face to places like New Orleans, or Nashville who really have a problem with flooding.
Lets face it, a flood in Los Angeles means some sand bags and a little extra traffic, which is hardly noticeable due to our already screwed up traffic system. If the Los Angeles police department wants to warn me about something, they could call me and warn me about the street-sweeping ticket I’m about to get for being parked in the only spot available for my apartment complex. Or they could warn me about the random exits they close down on the freeway with no notice at all. You see your exit but alas it has been closed down to be worked on by some ghost crew that is never there. It’s always just a bunch of equipment sitting there with no one on it, meanwhile you’re “recalculating” your route with a lovely detour through South Central Los Angles. Man I miss my wallet.
Thanks for the warning LAPD!
-Kenny Klein
Tuesday Mar 16th 2010 11:24am
Kenny Klein's Stories
DMV.
It’s always great to get a chance to stand in line with some angry Californians at the DMV. Something about this magical place that makes people realize how angry they really are. Also, you get a 1st look at the next generation of teenage drivers. Considering they can’t even fill out their application properly, I fear for my life within the next two years of them being on the road.
The DMV is a great place. They let you know your place in life as soon as you arrive when they hand you a number. You instantly become nameless. It is actually kind of liberating. “No, Kenny Klein didn’t fart, that was G131 that farted”.
A great place to meet women, especially if you’re asking them for a ride home because you don’t have enough money to renew your license. The Comedy isn’t paying the driving bills as well as my minimum wage job used to.
I think my favorite part about the whole experience is the chance to spend a few hours with other people’s screaming children. This is a great chance to see the next, next generation’s set of drivers, which is discouraging, because they don’t seem to be much brighter than their parents.
All things considered, the DMV can be a really fun place providing you have enough drugs and alcohol in your system to survive the experience. I give it 4 Stars.
Wednesday Feb 24th 2010 6:41pm
Kenny Klein's Stories
The Justice System.
My most recent run-in with the justice system has left me with the stale taste of uninteresting government architecture in my mouth. On top of the dreary scenery, you get the great opportunity to have direct business with the finest employees the state can buy. Court clerks know the true meaning of customer service. Assuming you’re in a rough spot while standing in a court-line, you would think that the clerk would have as much sympathy as possible for you, but this is not the case at all.
The morning starts at around 7:30am, when the clerk lines open up. Keep in mind the court doesn’t actually start until 8:30am (8:45am Court-time) but if you want to “get in” you’ll be dressed nicely and in line early. It’s kind of like a really shitty night club where they don’t serve alcohol, just time. After spending 45mins in the wrong line, I get yelled at by a clerk in broken English to move into the “correct” line which looks to be another 45 minutes long.
So you’ve made onto the court calendar to see the judge! Congratulations, the hard part is just starting. Now you get a chance to go “plead” your case before a callused judge. This is fun! The judge listens to bullshit excuses all day, so you gotta be really creative to stand out. It’s the equivalent of trying to hit on a stripper.
The Judge calls my name, “Klein?” and I rise. The even angrier bailiff stares at me for a second before yelling, “Well? Get over to the podium idiot!” and crossing his arms with satisfaction as if he had just earned his paycheck. Now keep in mind, I wore a suit (which I hate doing) to show respect to the court. Had I known they don’t give a shit, I would have worn a god damn barrel and a beanie with a propeller on the top.
My slow walk to the podium ends, and I greet the female judge. Yes female, hello karma! She just stares at me with her glasses on the end of her nose for a minute, as if sizing me up and not liking what she sees. The calm before the storm. “Mr. Klein, how are you today?” she says while staring down at my “greatest hits” sheet. I say “Well frankly, not very well at the moment Ma’am.” She then tells me to “shut up”. Buckle up, here we go…
So long story semi-short, I have to go to jail. I cannot pass go, I cannot collect $200. I am sentenced to 10 days in jail to learn my lesson. Really, I think I’ll learn more Spanish than anything.
Sunday Feb 1st 2010 4:01pm
Kenny Klein's Stories
It had been a rough day, filled with twists and turns. This was all the case, until he noticed it, the pubic hair on his soap. Was it his? A friend's? A ghost's? Do ghosts have pubic hair? That would be scary. He furiously tried to spray it off with the shower head, but it was a clinger. It would always just end up sliding to the opposite side of the soap. It was at about this time when Kenny Klein decided, "This is not the day for a shower..." and turned off the water to pursue playing guitar hero.
